Endings without beginnings

When life decides to deal a blow, sometimes it delivers one that is so devastating that you stop functioning for a bit. You avoid things, people, work, whatever. And even though you know you can pick back up the pieces, that you can move on...your numbness keeps you from doing so. But sometimes you need the time to accept what has happened, to lick your wounds and recover before you can emerge out of your self-imposed exile of the mind. Thus why I abandoned this blog for a bit, despite my promises of writing once a week. Despite the small kinds of joy I found in writing it.

You see, in the beginning of July I had written to a former project leader of mine, asking for the final informe (report) from the project I worked on in 2011. I needed the data contained in that report to finish writing my proposal for INAH to get the permissions to carry out my own planned dissertation project. This project was to start sometime in September--in fact, this very week. A week later, I received the blow that life was to deal me.

The former project leader emailed me to tell me that he thought my project was unworkable, and that he was not willing to commit his time nor the project's time and resources to something he did not support. I remember reading the email and going numb, standing up, leaving my chair (I was out at a coffee shop in Oaxaca, getting ready for a day of work) and taking a deep breath. Trying not to lose my shit....well no, not close to that. I wasn't about to do that. But I did feel like the rug had been pulled out from under me--that I was facing a gaping crevice and I wasn't sure how I was going to get across now, and the only feeling is a sinking in my stomach as I faced the abyss.

What was there next to do? There was contacting my adviser, there was choking back the tears, there was playing my favorite computer strategy game, there was doing nothing. Absolutely nothing. For a week or a day. For a month. Oh there were things I still managed to get done, academic and business related. I am never a total slack-off even at my lowest moments. But there were many hours of being selfish, of mindless entertainment. Of numbing and being numb as I wrestled with the next thing to do. The next step. I know I'm being overly dramatic. But the thing was is that I was so close. Grants had been applied for, equipment purchased. So much time spent and so much thought invested, this project had become me. And I was so excited about it. And then I had to put it away. At my lowest I wanted to put it all away, just drop this futile pursuit for a PhD and settle with the letters already at the end of my name.

Two months later I'm picking up the pieces again. I am moving forward. There is nothing really to do except that. Hopefully things are going to look up again, and I'll find a PhD project soon. Until that time I am going to keep plugging away at the little things that are within my control, the things I can do. And I'll keep writing, writing articles and chapters, writing emails, and writing on this blog. Maybe the writing will help me to find the next path or fork in this life I call mine. One can always hope.

 

Resurrection....again!

Welcome back for not the first, certainly not the second...but yes! The THIRD coming of this blog. The Randomness of Atom is back, at least for the summer. But summer romances are some of the best, non?

In all honesty I hadn't thought much about the blog in a while. I wasn't even sure I would do it again, but a fleeting urge to do so did flit through my mind. However when I had received an email from Grandpa asking if I was going to be doing the blog again this summer I thought to myself, why not? Well more like I thought that yes, I should do the blog again. Because not only is it fun but also its a great way for people to keep up with my adventures.

Plus, this summer things are quite different. Last summer, though I had a good time overall, was much more difficult than my 2008 field season. Problems with getting into the field and onto the projects I had expected to join but was prevented from doing so, problems with the la migra ($100 down the drain my friends!), and of course heart-aches and breakups. Last summer was a test of how well I can deal with life giving me some fairly sour lemons, but I did make the finest limonada that I could.

This summer is going to be way more tranquilo. I'm not doing any archaeology--well I just did a week in Trincheras analyzing cremations--but instead will be focusing on my ethnography of pelota mixteca players and their community networks. Given that games are only played once a week--albeit in different communidades throughout the state--there will be a lot of downtime, which I plan to use for prepping for comps (er that is my PhD comprehensive exams), getting my reading lists together for that, writing articles, and just doing research en general.

And of course....relaxation! A visit to Mexico City, a visit maybe to Guatemala. Travel travel travel. And a return to myself. Yes. Its going to be a good summer. Now if only I can find a place to stay :)...

P.S.

First year of graduate school completed, how did I do? Fairly well--second semester I maintained my 4.00 GPA, got a few scholarships and grants, and seem to be well on my way to getting through the program at a good pace. Looking forward to the next year.

Cheers

This just in...

My last grade finally came in. Now that we have four out four classes reporting, what's my GPA for my first semester at UofA? A really, really awesome 4.00! Yep, that's right, I have a (so-far) perfect GPA, which hopefully should help me out not only with any future endeavors I find myself in but with this kick-ass fellowship I'm trying to get currently. I'm pretty excited about all this, cause I was admittedly a bit nervous and anxious that I was putting myself in a bad spot by going on a field dig only a week before finals and term papers were due. But it worked out in the end, and my efforts have been rewarded with four, wonderful A's. Neato!

Er...yeah, so its been a while...

I've probably used that title before, but alas, it captures perfectly the situation. Hmm, so the last time I posted, it was a recipe that I had made up on the fly--a great (and cheap) Indian dish. And in that post I had made a promise to provide an update on what's been going on in my life. Of course, such a thing didn't happen. Call it a combination of being swamped by the demands of graduate school and an avoidance of posting, for whatever strange reasons. Laziness perhaps? Reluctance? Who knows, who cares? I think, however, that now that I am adjusted to my life in Tucson, now that I have friends and such, and also since this upcoming semester should be somewhat easier, I will have more time (and inclination) for posting.

So, what has been happening? Well...since those few posts that I made in September, things have actually been going swimmingly. I submitted an abstract to the SAAs, spoke with the newest bioarchaeologist hire at the ASM (Arizona State Museum) about some fieldwork opportunities, and made connections with the archaeology community at large. By the end of October, I felt pretty solid--no more homesickness (well, I still miss home but still...) and I was building a good group of friends. Halloween was a blast, and good things kept going from there.

In November, I went home briefly--it was like a dream. Four days, and then it was over, and I was back in town. But it was wonderful, and I managed to squeeze in time with a lot of people. The Friday I came back, I had a wonderful dinner with my friends Fumie and Natalia--a home-made sushi dinner that was so incredible I could never have anything close to that again. The next day, went out with other friends for sushi--yes, again, but that wasn't my plan--and then to Natalia's house, with Fumie, for a party. That was an awesome weekend.

Then, the following week on Friday I left for a 9-day (well, 11 if you count the days of travel) field season at the site of La Playa, near Trincerhas, Sonora, Mexico. It was an awesome site/trip...we excavated a good number of burials in short amount of time. It was a bit rough on the body though, cause I was up at 6:30, worked until 4:30, relaxed for a bit, drank, then worked on research/notes for my term papers which were due shortly after I returned. But it was all good, though I was worried that I might be messing myself up by not giving myself time to work on the papers.

In the end it all worked out. I returned home from my trip, turned in a paper, gave a presentation on Thursday and bam bam bam started working on my term papers. Somehow, despite taking breaks and goofing off here and there, I managed to get everything--and I mean everything!--done. I turned in a paper on 9/12, on 10/12, and then on Monday, 15/12, I turned in the last two. And suddenly I was done. My semester was over. What a relief! Though weird, because now I had all this free time (relatively speaking) and nothing to do with myself. Hmm....

So now, here I am in Portland, visiting with my dad, brother (who also flew in for the holidays) and the relatives I have here, my awesome cousins Jamiy and Nattie. Plus Grandpa came in too, which is cool. Relaxing, relaxing and relaxing, reading fiction books and just surfin' the net. Though I do have a few things to do, related to my Oaxaca trip last summer, a fellowship I am applying to, and wrestling with the Financial Aid office. And, to top it off, my friend Steven B. is supposedly coming to visit, which is great.

Anyway, to end this post, 3 of my 4 classes have posted grades, and so far I've received all A's, so hopefully my last class will post the same, and I'll have a 4.0 GPA. One hopes, but even if not, considering everything--4 classes, fieldwork right before finals, and relaxing a bunch but still being on top of everything--I'm still set to do very well. Cheers.

Omigod! Bumrushed...

Oh man. Crazy past week or so. I had a HUGE presentation in one of my classes where I was the apeleader for two undergrads...except both of them were older than me. And I was supposed to be the expert! Well, we did the presentation last Thursday after much prepping and I think it went smoothly--my goal was to have them participate as much as possible and not have the whole presentation solely be flapping my mouth while they sat subdued by my side. I made it clear that I expected them to do their parts and hold their own, which when it came down to it I think they did rather well. They also commented to me that they appreciated how I involved them but was also willing to spot them in case...so I guess that means I'm a good leader? Perhaps. But anyway now I have this paper due, in relation to the presentation, which is I need to turn in tomorrow but I am not freaking out quite yet cause I already have 3 pages written and it only needs to be 5-6...whew.

Though that didn't stop me from tossing and turning for a better part of the night. You see, in one of my classes I have to turn in these so-called short reaction papers that need to be at least 2-3 pages long, and while only 8 are due (out of 13 weeks) I would rather not use up all my get-out-of-jail passes right in the beginning of the semester. As I did not turn one in last week, I really wanted to get one done today. So I tossed and turned all night--since I only had half a page from the night before--and woke up early this morning to do it. I kept telling myself to calm down, not be anxious, that I can get it done but such things are of course easier said then done. So I woke up early this morning and banged out the paper in about an hour. Damn. Not bad.

But that doesn't mean its quite over. There are a couple of other things coming up and then this weekend is going to be a bit packed as I am hosting the Anthro grad students potluck. But things should calm down, at least for the next two weeks, but the bumrush starts all over again. Damn.

Er ya...long time but super busy

Settling into the swing of things I guess. Lots of work of course, nothing I am not unfamiliar with though I definitely am out of practice. But I am getting much better at reading articles and becoming focused. Admittedly though, I've been a bit depressed and all--the pressures of grad school plus homesickness, missing family and friends--is not making for a very happy me at the moment, but I understand that it's an adjustment thing and that over time my mood will improve.

And it's not all bad. I'm slowly making friends, getting in good with professors and just submitted an abstract for the 74th annual meeting of the SAAs (Society for American Archaeology) to do a poster session based on my MA thesis. So hopefully some good comes of that but I've now registered for that meeting, so no matter what I'm going. It's a good networking type thing and could mean a lot of contacts for me. It's also always a good time, so I'm looking forward to it.

Well, I'm not exactly under dark clouds, even though it feels like it from time to time. And things are slowly getting better....its a good day.

Adjusting and loving it!

Yesterday I attended the graduate orientation for the Anthropology department. Takeshi, as well as Dr. Kuhn, had indicated back in January that they were shrinking the number of students they would be accepting in order to increase the funding for each student. So, when I walked into the room I expected that we would be a small cohort--I didn't realize however just how small we would be. All in all, there are 10 new anthropology students...three, including myself, are archaeology students. Funny enough, we're also all women as well--no new male archaeologists. Good thing I guess that I already have a male archaeologist in mind...heh. At least we aren't in any danger of committing cohort-cest, as they call it.

Well, the orientation itself was interesting and fairly informative. I made myself ask questions and get my voice out there. After the orientation we headed up to the student lounge for lunch, where I re-met my mentor (I had no idea at the time when I originally emailed her and introduced myself, but we had actually met before at Takeshi and Daniela's house). We talked for a bit, then one of the other mentors, a wonderful young woman from D.F., came over and we chatted with her. My mentor had to leave for a meeting and I continued to chat with Natalia, la difena, and another woman everyone referred to as "DDR", or Dana. It went very well and I must say that now I am pretty excited about school.

In fact, I am already trying to get myself involved. An older fellow archaeologist is on the committee for the student arm of the SAAs (Soceity for American Archaeology), so I told him that I am up for helping with all that. Not only is it something I could add to my C.V., but it sounds like it could be a lot of fun as well. Now that I am getting into the swing of things, I am feeling much better about being here and moving away from all my friends and family and everything I've ever known. And I think that will be even more true once classes start on Monday. Sweet.

So yeah, now I'm here.

And entering adjustment period.....neeehhhooowwww. Right now I am sitting in the South Ballroom at UofA's Student Union building, taking advantage of the awesome wireless network as I wait for the next phase of the program to begin. What makes this even more awesome is that I am typing away on my brand new black Macbook, pure sex on my lab heh. I love it so much and can't stop kissing it. Silly I know but....

Anyway, still vacillating between excitement about starting this awesome new phase in my life and sadness at what I've left behind. Alex came out with me to hang out in general and help me adjust in particular. Unfortunately, he leaves today to fly back to Chicago and once he does...sigh. That's it. I am here for sure...which is a little hard to accept at the moment because all of my stuff is still in a warehouse somewhere in Chicago and I am currently living out of my suitcase, though I have acquired a desk, a kick-ass laptop and back-up drive, and soon I will actually have a real bed. Well, a futon actually, but it will be custom made and I've always enjoyed futons more than beds anyway. Hopefully, when my stuff finally arrives I will truly accept the fact that I am really here, and for the next 5 years...ack!

Well, will post another update soon. Classes start next week, and I am really looking forward to that. This Friday is also the Anthropology department's graduate orientation, so I will finally get to meet my peers and such. Looking forward to that as well. Cheers!